Celibacy, abstinence and sexual agency.
Sorry if the title was misleading. I had to get you guys here somehow LOL!
I often shy away from this topic. I’ve always felt like people’s sexual decisions are theirs and theirs alone to either share or keep to themselves if they decide. Its personal and I don’t believe in pushing my decision in other peoples faces.
Whenever the topic arises I make my stance clear that I have been abstaining and try to speak on it unashamedly, though it can be tedious. There are uncomfortable sides, for example I’m not allowed or better still, I’m not expected to be a sexual being or have sexual desires. So if I do they are often downplayed. Even if I am a sexual being or even if I do have sexual desires, Im deemed an “amateur” or “not sexual enough”. It’s almost as if being a virgin comes with zero sexual awareness or acknowledgment. Basically I’m not even a human anymore. You’ll hear “yeah but you haven’t done it though” or “what do you even know”. Then there’s the flip side when speaking to guys who 9/10 times are more sexually experienced than I am I have to be cautious because you don’t really wanna give the impression that you’ll be throwing it back, doing leg pon shoulder. I often find myself having to change the direction of certain convos so they don’t get the wrong idea and think im down for something I’m really not. Ima keep it 1hunna it’s fun to flirt or entertain cheeky conversations which I have done but I also end up pinching myself because if push came to shove I won’t be able to back that talk. You never want to give off a false representation of yourself that won’t match in reality. Countless times I’ve found myself having to repeat that I’m a virgin or I’m abstaining twice just for the guy to believe me or understand. It’s also worth mentioning that some people have this notion that virgin means completely clueless with 0 experience when there are different levels. Some may have kissed, some may have not. Some may have taken part in oral sex some may not. It sounds silly but many just conclude you haven’t encountered anything at all.
My choice to wait was influenced by my faith especially when I was younger but as I got older, began to date and have deeper interactions with guys, it pushed me to want to abstain even more. I saw less and less incentive to share myself with people that clearly didn’t even like or respect me much and vice versa. The longer I waited the more sacred sex became to me and I am at a point where at the very least if not my husband, I’d like my first experience to be with someone who actually likes and respects me enough. You’d be surprised that some really do not understand what respect truly means. To an extent I identify as sexually liberated, my liberation may not come in the form of having sexual partners but instead in the form of having the freedom of choice to choose to wait. I could even argue that in 2018 the wait is “outdated” so what’s really the point? But if I am liberated surely I have the power and freedom to make a personal decision to wait even if it is unpopular. Whether that be for religious reasons or for personal reasons I’m able to freely make that decision and to me that’s sexual agency.
Of recent I’ve really had to really analyse my reasons for waiting – sometimes I become slightly overwhelmed. Because who really doesn’t want to have sex. Many times I’ve lost sight of why I actually decided to wait and it seems pointless and but even while writing this I’m reminded firstly of my faith. God doesn’t give us brownie points for every thing we follow like – you don’t lie? Check. You still a virgin? check. It doesn’t make me a better Christian than anyone else, but for starters God honours obedience. I used to think that if I commit one sin then I may as well just do it all but I now see that’s such a bad mentality to have. Sometimes it starts with one act of discipline and obedience to God and his word. Struggling with other things shouldn’t be an excuse to dip my hands into more. Faith always comes first, but I’m a big romantic. I know life isn’t a fairytale but I know what I want for myself and I should be comfortable in waiting to share myself only when I’m comfortable and ready, preferably in marriage.
With this I feel it’s worth saying to those who are waiting, Don’t feel ashamed. I don’t think your virginity necessarily needs to be the centre of every conversation (unless that’s your style) but in a society where we are more sexually positive we should also be able to confidently say are waiting for whatever reason without shame of judgement.
But really what led me to have this conversation is something that I’ve noticed and also a few of my friends who are waiting have encountered too. For a lot of guys as soon as they find out you’re a virgin they may turn the other way because “that’s long”, “I’m not on that”. And understandably so. You should never feel pressured into talking to someone who doesn’t want the same things you want when there are several people who will be on the same page as you. Then there are the minority of guys that “think” they can hack it. So they’ll date you try and talk to you but after a while it becomes boring. The particular guy I’m talking about today is the guy that sees you as a challenge. You make it clear to them you’re waiting or not looking for a casual relationship, they establish they’re not looking for long term anything so you’re not on the same page as them but they still come back. Still pop up. Making jokes, making references. Taking it all for a game. These guys see you as a challenge and think that if they try hard enough, if they say the right things or twang hard enough you will let them in. It’s cheeky and amusing but also quite offensive at the same time. You may not know some people’s reasons for waiting. Some people have made covenants with God. Some people have gone through heartbreak. But someone would come along and think they’re that special to make you throw away all you have been working towards. How arrogant. Not only that, this idea of “no means try harder” is toxic. It’s prevalent amongst some men even when it comes to consent. It’s almost as if a woman’s no means nothing and we dont mean what we say. It is dangerous and disturbing. A woman’s no means no. No doesn’t mean try harder. Be a gentleman and respect her wishes….But don’t just respect her wishes. Respect her words too.